Totally agree with all of this. I actually enjoyed the movie until it became a romcom and I was like, HOLD ON, she's going to end up with THAT GUY? And in all that time he's never moved out of his apartment with all of his roommates or decided to get a full-time job? I recently ended a relationship with a lovely kind man who loved me very much, and while we weren't in the same situation as this couple (though we are both in our late thirties), I was hustling all over the place and working while finishing coursework for my degree, then got a full-time job and then another full-time, more permanent job doing what I love, and he was still cobbling things together, still not done with HIS degree, using any and all excuses not to get another job to help pay for his life (we're both musicians, so working in our industry can be really tough--everybody has a subsistence job), relying a lot on his parents, etc. I outgrew him, which is what I think also happened to Dakota Johnson and Chris Evans, especially in the time between their break-up and meeting again. But I'm determined not to go backwards. I'm too happy being single, having my own space and operating on my own schedule, not supporting anybody financially or emotionally, etc.
Also, if anybody is looking for a really great take on all of this, last summer (almost a year before my break-up, which blows my mind), I read Dolly Alderton's Good Material, which starts with a break-up and then follows the male partner as he's forced to figure out how to actually support himself once he's not living in his girlfriend's apartment anymore. He spends most of the book trying to understand why they broke up since there didn't seem to be anything wrong. The final chapter is from the girlfriend's point of view and it was EXACTLY THIS. She told her grandmother that she was not sure about the relationship even though they loved each other and had fun together, etc, and her grandmother was like, listen, my generation had to get married because there was no other way to support yourself, it was so much harder to be independent, but you don't actually need a man to have a life, and life is too short to stay in a relationship that isn't great for you. I had never related to anything more.
Wow...thank you for sharing this with us and so poignantly pointing out what happens in so many dynamics like this. A person has to want to improve for themselves....a significant can't do that for them, nor can they wait forever for this other person to do this. Single life can be so fulfilling and enjoyable (speaking as a single person). Also, Good Material is on my table waiting to be read!
Great piece! I totally agree that love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. That was a lesson I learned while in a 10 year marriage with someone similar to the broke character in the movie you talked about. We’ve been divorced 12 years and nothing has changed in his life, in fact some aspect are worse…no place of his own, no car, health decline, etc.
I’ve decided remarrying isn’t an attractive option so I choose me, my children and my career.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and also love that you decided to choose different for yourself and your children. I also have no aspirations to get remarried :)
BRILLIANT. perfectly said. And thank you for striking the balance/nuance that is so often missed: we can't both dismantle this system of harm AND pick up the broken men it has also left in its wake. - blessings upon you for this!
“it’s not women’s responsibility to both dismantle the system that has subjugated us for hundreds of years and to pick up the pieces of the broken men its harmed.”- I agree with this statement completely. I can see how this ties in with your feelings about the film. I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry either of the men. I like how you offered a third choice- to choose yourself- that’s what my daughter is doing.
I’ve known a lot of wealthy people in my life and women who married for money and they are all miserable. Those who married for love are happy- even when stressed for money. But I hear you- in a capitalist society, I understand and respect your choice, even if I disagree with it. This is a really well written piece. Thanks for sharing. I hope it garners at least one paying subscription to get back the money you spent on the movie ticket. 👏
P.s. In defense of the guy she chose. He was an actor- he was focused - he just wasn’t successful and there’s a difference. He also loved her and her core values that were repeated in the film a few times- were that she was looking for someone to age with- to take care of who would take care of her- with love, not money. That’s their story- not yours. I’m glad you told your story because it does fit in with what I hear so many men complain about- that they feel like no woman values them beyond their bank accounts. Until I read your story, I argued that sentiment. I won’t argue it anymore.
Totally agree with all of this. I actually enjoyed the movie until it became a romcom and I was like, HOLD ON, she's going to end up with THAT GUY? And in all that time he's never moved out of his apartment with all of his roommates or decided to get a full-time job? I recently ended a relationship with a lovely kind man who loved me very much, and while we weren't in the same situation as this couple (though we are both in our late thirties), I was hustling all over the place and working while finishing coursework for my degree, then got a full-time job and then another full-time, more permanent job doing what I love, and he was still cobbling things together, still not done with HIS degree, using any and all excuses not to get another job to help pay for his life (we're both musicians, so working in our industry can be really tough--everybody has a subsistence job), relying a lot on his parents, etc. I outgrew him, which is what I think also happened to Dakota Johnson and Chris Evans, especially in the time between their break-up and meeting again. But I'm determined not to go backwards. I'm too happy being single, having my own space and operating on my own schedule, not supporting anybody financially or emotionally, etc.
Also, if anybody is looking for a really great take on all of this, last summer (almost a year before my break-up, which blows my mind), I read Dolly Alderton's Good Material, which starts with a break-up and then follows the male partner as he's forced to figure out how to actually support himself once he's not living in his girlfriend's apartment anymore. He spends most of the book trying to understand why they broke up since there didn't seem to be anything wrong. The final chapter is from the girlfriend's point of view and it was EXACTLY THIS. She told her grandmother that she was not sure about the relationship even though they loved each other and had fun together, etc, and her grandmother was like, listen, my generation had to get married because there was no other way to support yourself, it was so much harder to be independent, but you don't actually need a man to have a life, and life is too short to stay in a relationship that isn't great for you. I had never related to anything more.
Wow...thank you for sharing this with us and so poignantly pointing out what happens in so many dynamics like this. A person has to want to improve for themselves....a significant can't do that for them, nor can they wait forever for this other person to do this. Single life can be so fulfilling and enjoyable (speaking as a single person). Also, Good Material is on my table waiting to be read!
Great piece! I totally agree that love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. That was a lesson I learned while in a 10 year marriage with someone similar to the broke character in the movie you talked about. We’ve been divorced 12 years and nothing has changed in his life, in fact some aspect are worse…no place of his own, no car, health decline, etc.
I’ve decided remarrying isn’t an attractive option so I choose me, my children and my career.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and also love that you decided to choose different for yourself and your children. I also have no aspirations to get remarried :)
BRILLIANT. perfectly said. And thank you for striking the balance/nuance that is so often missed: we can't both dismantle this system of harm AND pick up the broken men it has also left in its wake. - blessings upon you for this!
Thank you so much and thank you for reading!!
“it’s not women’s responsibility to both dismantle the system that has subjugated us for hundreds of years and to pick up the pieces of the broken men its harmed.”- I agree with this statement completely. I can see how this ties in with your feelings about the film. I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry either of the men. I like how you offered a third choice- to choose yourself- that’s what my daughter is doing.
I’ve known a lot of wealthy people in my life and women who married for money and they are all miserable. Those who married for love are happy- even when stressed for money. But I hear you- in a capitalist society, I understand and respect your choice, even if I disagree with it. This is a really well written piece. Thanks for sharing. I hope it garners at least one paying subscription to get back the money you spent on the movie ticket. 👏
P.s. In defense of the guy she chose. He was an actor- he was focused - he just wasn’t successful and there’s a difference. He also loved her and her core values that were repeated in the film a few times- were that she was looking for someone to age with- to take care of who would take care of her- with love, not money. That’s their story- not yours. I’m glad you told your story because it does fit in with what I hear so many men complain about- that they feel like no woman values them beyond their bank accounts. Until I read your story, I argued that sentiment. I won’t argue it anymore.