Am I a Bad Feminist?
On desirability, weight loss, and the privileges of living in a thin body
I’m going to say the quiet part out loud. Sometimes it’s not being thinner that we actually miss. Sometimes, we miss the privilege and desirability we possessed when we lived in a smaller body.
I grew up in the 90s when model chic was the standard. At nearly 6 feet tall, it seemed kismet that I should be the next Tyra Banks. What good was this height if not to be a gorgeous, long legged supermodel.
Turns out the 90s weren’t the decade for plus sized models. Anyone remember the clip of America’s Next Top Model where Tyra berates the size 8 plus sized model?
Desirability, as I’m referring to in this context, is simply the quality of being sexually attractive.
While desirability is subjective, in Western society, Eurocentric standards of beauty rule desirability – think white, thin, young, non disabled.
For many of us, myself included, I defaulted to thin as the way to access proximity to Eurocentric standards of beauty. I would never be blond haired and blue eyed but I could be thin and in that way, I could be viewed as desirable. And for the folks who are blond-haired and blue-eyed, the pressure to be thin is still there.
If we fall outside those norms of beauty, of course we are still desirable and of course people still find us desirable, but we aren’t the standard of beauty.
Due to diet culture and white supremacy and every marketing campaign known to man (WW, Special K Diet, Atkins), we are all told the most important thing that we can be as it pertains to desirability is to be thin.
So back to how I started this thing, sometimes I look back at previous versions of myself and miss the way I was treated. I miss the way people complimented me and noticed me. I miss the level of desirability I possessed.
I’m going to admit something really embarrassing, which for the record is part of the reason I created this Substack. It’s a place to be vulnerable and honest and raw.
As a heterosexual woman, I sometimes miss the level of attention I received from men when my body was different.
I know how gross that sounds. I almost threw up in my mouth admitting it.
And as a woman who is also actively decentering men and their opinions of me, I don’t actually desire attention from men but it’s the egotistical part of me that enjoys having the attention, even though I don’t want the attention.
Please don’t judge me. I have never professed to have my shit together. The universe is still working on me, okay?
Anyways, this is the conversation we don’t often have in the body liberation space because it feels wrong on some level.
It feels like we may be shamed if we express that sentiment.
It feels like it makes us bad feminists.
Because good feminists wouldn’t care about desirability.
But I call bullshit.
I’m a feminist (a womanist, actually) and I’m not scared to admit that desirability politics still play a role in my life. That doesn’t make me anything but human.
And I’m not scared to admit, even if it makes someone think I’m a bad feminist.
For all of you who are perfect and care to judge me, please teach me your ways!
But far more important than desirability, are the real life implications of weight stigma.
Lack of access to quality medical care
Inability to access care without fat shaming
Lack of access to size inclusive clothing
Lack of access to size inclusive seating
Pay discrimination
Fewer promotion opportunities
And this doesn’t even get into the social, emotional, and psychological implications of experiencing weight stigma.
In that light, desirability politics feels minuscule, but that doesn’t mean that our feelings about desirability aren’t valid.
But no matter how much I miss the privilege I had in a smaller body, there are some things I absolutely do not miss.
I never, and I repeat never, miss what I had to do to maintain that version of myself. Because it was literal hell.
I don’t miss counting every morsel of food I ate.
I don’t miss the anxiety I felt when I weighed myself daily.
I don’t miss bailing on social events because going to the gym was more important.
I don’t miss out on being miserable.
That being said, here are some questions to ask ourselves.
Do we hate our bodies or do we hate the way we get treated because of the size of our bodies?
Would losing weight make us happier or would it just be nice to feel desirable even if we don’t meet Eurocentric standards of beauty?
Would losing weight make us happier or would we be happier if we could easily find clothes that we like and that fit?
Would losing weight make us happier or would life just be easier to navigate if weight stigma didn’t exist?
Would losing weight make us happier or would it just be nice to go to the doctor and get the care we deserve without being fat shamed?
Would losing weight make us happier or would it just be nice to feel desirable even if we don’t meet Eurocentric standards of beauty?
Would losing weight make us happier or would it just be nice to live in a society that wasn’t catered to thinness?
Would losing weight make us happier or would it be nice to not have to justify our “health” because the majority of society still equates size to health?
And finally, if we woke up tomorrow and suddenly all bodies, regardless of size, shape, color, ability or age, were equally valued and respected, what choices would I make in my day to day life?
These are big questions. Take your time with them. Come back to them next week or next year or whenever you want.
But more importantly, I encourage you to hold yourself with compassion and kindness for any and all feelings that you are experiencing. No shame. No guilt. Just love.
And finally, talk to me in the comments. What do you miss? The ease of shopping, the lack of judgment for your eating choices, the abundance of fashion options?
i appreciate you so deeply for this, thank you <3
i hear you. on the decentering of men, and the missing (some of) the attention we got when our bodies and spirits were at their lowest points.
as a trans woman, whose recovery from addiction, disordered eating AND pretending i was a man have all co-incided over the last 5 years alongside a new chronic illness and hormonal treatments that have vastly changed my body size, shape and weight ... i miss people not doing a double take. i miss the ease that came with a body that was (mostly) easily classifiable. i miss meeting expectations. i miss being able to easily engage in that age-old pastime of shitting on my body and others' for the bonding that it brings.
i don't, of course. or at least ... not all of me does. not the grounded me, the centered me, the me that's standing in recovery and truth. but the me that wants the ease? who wants to be listened to as a person, not through a fat or trans filter? i miss that.
thank you, always, for the prompts and the honesty. here's to giving ourselves the love and attention, always. <3