What the Bumble Fumble, an NFL Kicker, and the 4B Movement Have Shown Me about the Power of Decentering Men and the Industrial Dating Complex

I’m going to say something potentially controversial. I think it’s exhausting how much energy is directed towards helping heterosexual women finally secure romantic partnerships. Nearly all dating advice I see is geared towards women. From helping them get into their feminine energy” to “helping them center themselves” in the dating experience. To be clear, I have no beef with romantic heterosexual relationships. I’ll probably be in one again some day, but I do take issue with the way society makes it feel as though it’s the pinnacle of success, and thus deserves so much of our energy and attention.

Here’s the tea. I have a gaggle of incredible, gorgeous, successful, single cishet female friends and every single one of them are by and large having similar dating experiences – terrible, less than bare minimum ones. 

So it begs the question, why is so much dating coach advice geared towards women when just perhaps the men are the problem? (or at least a big part of the problem).

Why are women expected to spend their resources – time, energy, money – on the procurement of a relationship? Similar to the diet and beauty industries, women are by and large the target audience for the industrial dating complex, not men. We are made to feel less than for being single (hello, single cat lady stereotype) and then sold solutions – in this case, the magic formula for finding the partner of our dreams and finally finding love.

No matter how much a woman has accomplished, she is constantly faced with the same boring questions: When are you going to get married? When are you going to start a family? Not to mention that as a whole, unless you get married or have kids, it’s not socially acceptable to throw a party, create a registry, and expect people to give you gifts to celebrate your achievements – unless said achievements are finding love or having a baby. 

Women are sold this narrative as not only the dream, but it’s also reiterated within society that no matter what you have – a great career, amazing friends, an active social life – you’re somehow ‘incomplete’ until you secure romantic love. 

But by and large, these questions are directed towards women. That’s not to say that men don’t feel some of this pressure, but as it pertains to the industrial dating complex (yes, I made this term up myself), women are on the receiving end. Your clock is ticking. The good men are getting scarce. You must prioritize dating. 

And I don’t know about anyone else, but I find it exhausting. And boring. And tired. I recognize that I’m also a woman that was married for 10 years (to an amazing, kind, loving man) so yes, I've had that experience. But having had that experience, I think it makes me uniquely qualified to tell you that your happiness does not need to hinge on having romantic love, and certainly, not at the expense of romantic love that requires you to settle for less than what you desire. 

In The Body Liberation Project, I speak about the fact that our happiness doesn’t lie on the other side of losing weight, and in regards to dating, our happiness doesn’t lie on the other side of finding romantic love. That’s not when your life suddenly becomes “complete”.

As a heterosexual woman, I personally have chosen to decenter men. No, that doesn’t mean I hate men, although if you spend any time online saying you’re decentering men, this is the first thing you’ll be accused of. Decentering men to me simply means that I’m not focusing my energy on dating and finding a man is not on my priority list, and most importantly, not central to living my fullest, most actualized life. I am a fully realized human being who has a joyful, pleasure-filled existence. I’m focused on my dreams, my goals, my interests, my hobbies, and my happiness. And none of these things are the placeholders until I find my Prince Charming. 

And it’s not just me. Globally, women have started bucking societal norms and decentering men so much so that the 4B movement came across my feed on TikTok, and I was immediately intrigued. The 4B Movement is a feminist movement that began in 2019 in South Korea in response to sexism, misogyny, and disparate gender roles. It includes the following 4 tenets:

• No dating men

• No sex with men 

• No marrying men 

• No child rearing

While this may seem far-fetched to some, the movement has gained so much traction in South Korea that the country now has the lowest birth rate in the world at 0.78%, compared to the global average of 2.3%.

The 4B movement is now becoming popular in the U.S. as well as women grow weary with the dating scene, more specifically, the dating prospects, preferring celibacy than subjecting themselves to settling for poor treatment and bare minimum behavior in relationships.

And this leads us exactly to the Bumble Fumble. 

Bumble, a woman founded dating app, recently ran a marketing campaign geared once again, at women, that consisted of large billboards across major metropolitan cities with the following verbiage:

“A vow of celibacy is not the answer”

“You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer”

“Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun”

So rather than address women’s valid concerns, the better option is to gaslight us into accepting the bare minimum or worse, poke fun at our choices. Because we are obviously too naive to know what we desire for ourselves or to choose to prioritize other areas of our lives over dating. Besides how offensive this campaign is to asexual folks, it also implies that not prioritizing dating equals being a nun. Because what value could our lives possibly have if we’re not partnered? I could go on and on about this campaign and the myriad of ways it was problematic, but I’ll just leave it at this: the campaign was gross. 

Social media ripped their comment sections to shreds (to the point they turned them off), justifiably so, and Bumble later took the billboards down and apologized. However, the damage was already done, and if I was ever considering using Bumble in the future, I shan’t be now. 

Then the following week, Harrison Butker, an NFL kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, a man for the record, I had never heard of, and quite frankly, wish I hadn’t of, gave an infuriating graduation speech at Benedictine College, a private Catholic liberal arts school. 

In addition to anti-LGBTQIA+ comments, he stated the following:

“I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you. Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world. I can tell you that my beautiful wife Isabelle would be the first to say that her life truly started when she started living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.”

To be clear, the only thing diabolical is that speech. Also, being the self-proclaimed pro life advocate that Butker is, doesn’t life start at conception?

What both incidents – The Bumble Fumble and Butker – have shown me is that men (or maybe society in general) are losing their minds at the thought of women being truly autonomous beings – that aren’t centered solely on being wives or mothers.

Is there any coincidence that with the growing popularity of the 4B movement, Bumble is trying to convince women that they don’t in fact want celibacy? 

Bumble, a supposedly woman centered, dating app ultimately views women as a product, and what they are selling us is finding romantic love. What would happen to their profit margins if women stopped buying in and spending their capital on finding romantic love?

To me, it’s no different than the diet or fashion or beauty industry who also market to women’s insecurities for profit. If the industrial dating complex can continue to convince us that we are incomplete without romantic love, we will continue to spend our hard earned dollars for the solutions and the shot at our happily ever after. 

Within the confines of a patriarchal society, the social norm still remains the same. Find a husband and then have a baby. And any way you spin it, the industrial dating complex is aimed at continuing and reinforcing that norm. And dare you be a woman brave enough to buck that standard, the internet trolls will flood in terrorizing you with every insult they can think of. These are just a few comments I sourced:

• You’re happy now. Just wait till to you die alone.

• Who is gonna take care of you when you get old.

• Oh lord another wine-o weird cat lady auntie

• Have you looked in the mirror. Of course you’re single. 

• Let’s see how you feel about this at 80

• You’re a selfish pathetic excuse for a woman

Unfortunately, these comments came from folks of all genders. The misogyny and patriarchy is deeply rooted. 

To be clear, I think romantic love is beautiful and amazing and I want you to have that if you desire it, but I don’t want any of us to fall into thinking that we are somehow incomplete, or less valuable in society, without it because that’s simply untrue. And similar to diet culture, the messaging around dating and partnership is pervasive (and intentional). So I’m not suggesting it’s a simple process to disentangle from all of this, but I am saying that it could be a worthwhile endeavor to at least consider that perhaps the industrial dating complex doesn’t have our best interests at heart.

I think it's time to stop putting all of our energy into romantic love (and falling prey to the industrial dating complex) and at least use some of that energy in our creative pursuits. Into our hobbies and interests. Into fostering platonic female friendships – which hello – can be romantic and deeply loving and nourishing. Into finding joy. Into fostering a life that feels full and lovely, regardless of your partnership status.