People Are Angry At Chappell Roan But It's Really The Systems That Are To Blame.

This past week, Chappell Roan was on the Call Her Daddy podcast, and some of her comments, specifically her comments about parenthood, set the internet ablaze.

Before I jump into any of this, I need to make a couple of things clear. I did not listen to the entire Call Her Daddy podcast (aside for the portion relevant to this topic), and this article is not in defense of Chappell Roan as a person or an artist. To be honest, I don’t really know much about her or her music. This is solely about the clip that has sparked widespread social media debates.

For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, below is the clip that was the impetus for massive discourse. When asked if she wanted kids, Chappell responded by saying the following:

Cliff notes: "All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don't know anyone who is happy and has children at this age. Like a one year old, like 3 year old, 4 and under, 5 and under. I literally haven't met anyone who is happy. Anyone who has light in their eyes. Anyone who has slept.”

This left some mothers scrambling to prove that Chappell is in fact wrong. Examples of this are HERE and HERE.

And there were also lots of mothers agreeing with Chappell like HERE and HERE.

My first thought when I noticed this all unfolding was not whether or not Chappell’s insights were accurate. Because first and foremost, Chappell was speaking of her experience with her friends – not to parenthood at large or parents at large.

My first thought was the blatant misogyny occurring right before our eyes.

Because Chappell is not the first celebrity to express this type of sentiment publicly. In March of 2023, Seth Rogan appeared on The Kelly Clarkson Show, speaking far more candidly than Roan (in my opinion).

Cliff notes: "It really does not, it doesn't seem fun. And most of my friends who are parents, God bless them, spend a lot of time talking about how much they don't like having kids. And what me and my wife spend a lot of time talking about is how much fun stuff we can do because we don't have kids." He goes on to say, "people describe having kids as like brief glimmering moments of beauty among a sea of pain."

If you watch the entire clip, you’ll see that he said far more than Chappell did and yet, if you go to the comment section of that video, the great majority of the comments are overwhelmingly positive, praising Rogan for being so candid and honest. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall Seth’s interview sparking social media outrage.

Why is it that Roan, a woman, and Rogan, a man, can essentially say the same thing but face completely different repercussions?

It’s because of misogyny — the dislike of, contempt for, and ingrained prejudice against women.

Every International Women’s Day, the posts about ‘fighting the patriarchy’ and ‘dismantling the patriarchy’ fly far and wide. But in order to dismantle the patriarchy, we must first release the shackles of the patriarchy within ourselves and unlearn our own internalized misogyny. Because right now, the call is coming from inside the house.

All of the posts that I have seen discussing this topic are filled with women arguing with each other about if Roan’s comments were appropriate or fair.

By and large, I haven’t seen men exerting their energy on this topic at all. They aren't making posts to defend their choice to be parents or their choice to be childfree.

However, we (women) are fighting each other instead of fighting the systems which are the actual problem.

In my humble opinion, the anger is misplaced. Instead of being upset with Chappell voicing the very real reality that motherhood is challenging, we should be mad at the systems that make it challenging. The systems being:

• The lack of affordable childcare

• The lack of paid maternal leave

• The lack of social support

• The lack of affordable housing

• The rising cost of food

• End stage capitalism

• The hyper focus on the nuclear family as the priority which works against communal living and childrearing (i.e. – “the village”)

• American hyper individualism

• The lack of affordable mental health services

• The lack of affordable healthcare

And under Trump’s regime, with the threat of Medicaid benefits and SNAP benefits being reduced, which largely support women and children, the toll of parenthood is becoming even more challenging.

Instead of using our energy to work towards systemic change, we are exerting our energy to argue about if a pop star’s words were simply honest or just downright offensive. As such, the patriarchy is working exactly how it’s supposed to — keeping us distracted from the real issues — and many of us, likely unconsciously, are active participants.

As I was thinking about all of this, I came across the following commentary on Threads written by sociologist Jennifer Walter:

As a sociologist, I'm not shocked people are angrier at Chappell Roan than the system crushing mothers. That's always what happens when someone comes for the holy institution of motherhood.

Motherhood isn't just personal: it's political, cultural, and sacred.

Criticize it, even indirectly, and you're seen as a threat to moral order.

Sociologist Adrienne Riche called this the difference between motherhood as institution and mothering as experience.

The institution demands obedience, sacrifice, silence.

The lived experience? Often burnout, rage, and isolation.

Chappell didn't criticize mothers.

She described what the institution is doing to her friends.

And the institution doesn't like to be exposed.

Social psychology helps explain the outrage: cognitive dissonance.

If you've sacrificed everything for motherhood, hearing someone say that it looks like "hell" can feel like a threat.

Even if it's not about you.

Critical theory tells us: when someone disrupts the dominant narrative, they get punished.

Especially women. Especially when they tell inconvenient truths.

All Chappell Roan did is refuse to romanticize it.

And for that, she's being dragged.

If your first reaction is anger at her, not at the system she's exposing – ask yourself why.

Because the problem isn't honesty.

The problem is the silence the system demands from women in exchange for being seen as "good mothers."

And the minute one refuses to play along?

We crucify her for telling the truth we're too scared to face.

It’s important to reiterate that Chappell spoke of the experience of her friends and her own mother, and it was a response to the interviewer asking her if she wanted to have children herself. It was not an attack on motherhood, nor was she speaking of the experience of parents in general. But because she, a woman, voiced an opinion that goes against the dominant narrative — that marriage and motherhood are the crown jewel of womanhood, regardless of the personal cost — she must be punished.

It’s because the patriarchy essentially conditions women to be moms from childhood — hence the way we shove baby dolls into the arms of little girls as young as toddlers. So when a woman is making statements that don’t play by the rules of patriarchy, it’s triggering.

One of the reasons that I decided to be childfree is because I watched my own mother raise 4 children. I saw her sacrifice so much of herself and her needs for myself and my siblings, something for which I am forever grateful. But there were many times when I could tell my mother was struggling under the weight of responsibility, despite being married to my dad. There were absolutely times when I didn't see the light in her eyes. I witnessed her both tired and exhausted. That doesn't negate the fact that my mother loves us all deeply and was (and still is) willing to do anything for us.

In American society in particular, parents don’t have the necessary support to experience child rearing in a way that truly feels sustainable. Acknowledging that motherhood has its very real challenges doesn’t mean that parents don’t love their children or even love being parents. Both things can be true.

The work is to create a society in which parents can actually thrive. That we hold our government — not a pop star giving their thoughts on podcast — accountable.

And for all the folks rushing to make videos proving that they are not struggling with parenthood, I love that for them. I truly do. But I would argue that the single parents, the under-resourced parents, the financially struggling parents may not all feel the same. I would also argue that the more privilege and access to resources you possess, the more easeful the experience of parenthood likely is. The struggles of parents, especially the most marginalized, is an issue of concern, even if it’s not your personal experience. Even the U.S. Surgeon General reported that parental stress is a public health issue.

Motherhood isn’t a monolith, nor is the childfree experience a monolith. Multiple experiences can be true at once, and there are a multitude of ways that folks are experiencing parenthood.

People being more upset with a female pop star’s comments than the government’s actual actions is just one example of how the patriarchy and misogyny are internalized and more importantly, working exactly as they are supposed to. Because instead of fighting the systems, we are fighting each other. What a perfect waste of our time and energy. And while we are busy fighting amongst ourselves, fascism and the patriarchy forges on.

And while some would argue that Chappell could have been more tactful in her response, this points back to my earlier point about misogyny. Only women are called to be more ‘tactful’ in their speech. When women speak directly or even bluntly, they are labeled ‘aggressive’, ‘abrasive’, ‘rude.’; told to “say it in a nicer way.” Although Seth Rogan and Chappell Roan made very similar remarks about their friends with kids, only one of these individuals was called to task for their comments.

Here’s the reality: for any of us who have been socialized as women, we have internalized patriarchy at work within ourselves. We also engage in the behaviors passed on to us from the patriarchy. It’s no different than we speak about white supremacy. If you have been socialized as a white person within American society, you have internalized racism. The patriarchy is no different. None of us are immune.

And I'm not implying that it's our fault — in the sense that we (women) didn't create the patriarchy. But we are responsible for unlearning it in our own lives.

So this is a gentle reminder for all of us, myself included, that individuals aren’t the blame, the systems are the blame, and the work is the work is to fight the systems, not each other.

And finally, I want us all to reconsider how much energy we put into celebrity and pop culture. We can’t look to these individuals to be a moral compass or the voice of reason, nor do their opinions deserve to be put on a pedestal.

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